Wendy Rondina-Engcoy is the general manager of an IT company that develops engagement tool and social collaborative intranet for different companies. She is pretty, witty and married to GJ Engcoy who is 11 years her junior. She thinks their friendship continues to strengthen their marriage as the years go by.
How did you and GJ meet? Did you know he was the “one” when you met?
“At the age of 30, I came to Manila to work and then, of course, I started going to church. Nauna ako kay Jay dun sa church. When Jay finished his degree in Baguio City, he came to Manila and went to the same church. I was 33. We worked together in the worship team. We became friends. I sang and he played the keyboard. That’s how we established our friendship. We were both very driven, perfectionist in nature, parehas panganay, and had strong personalities. So, nagka-clash kami sa taste namin. ‘Yung tunay na color namin lumalabas noong friends pa lang kami. Three years later, Jay started to pray for me me to be his wife, pero ‘di ko halata. Hindi rin siya ‘yung tipong OA sa concern ko. He could still be mean to me. He would say, “Ano ba naman ‘yung attitude mo talaga, masyado kang maangas. Masyado kang maarte. Masyado kang mapili sa pagkain.” Sabi ko, “E ganito ‘ko e. Bahala ka diyan.” Ganun, wala naman akong kiyeme. Mag-aaway kami… mga tatlong araw hindi kami mag-uusap, tampuhan. That early, lumabas na ang tunay na ugali namin, na ‘pag gutom pala si Jay, magdadabog, magwo-walk out, dun ko nakita ‘yun. I know na when to talk to him or not. Kita niya rin ugali ko. I remember one time he corrected me sa driving ko, sabi niya, “Masyado kang kaskasera.” Sabi ko, “‘Di kung ayaw mo ‘yung driving ko, eh bumaba ka…” So, Jay knew my worst—confidence na hindi nalagay sa tama. But na-notice ko ang dinevelop ni Lord at that time was how to blend our personality. Our common denominator was, we honored the Lord in every way.
He prayed for me for two years kasi dito siya nag-determine if it was me and those 2 years, may mga nangyari ding affirmation sa akin that it was him. My prayer to the Lord was, “If you give me a partner, give me a partner that will draw me closer to you.”
Eventually, you got married. What adjustments did you have to make?
“Before, I was so spoiled and into entitlement. When he’d say, “Wendy, it’s not good for you to eat chocolate kasi asthmatic ka.” I’d say, “I know what I’m doing. I can afford to go to the hospital if I get sick.” Ganon pa ‘ko kaangas talaga until such time na I said, “Lord, I’m sorry. I’m just so proud of myself.” Then I realized, since then, God melted me. ‘Di na ako rough kay Jay. God’s grace lang talaga that I changed. When Jay says something, kahit na 11 years ang gap namin, part of me wants to submit. Bini-break ni Lord sa kin ‘yung pagiging maangas ko. Kapag nag-away kami, no foul words, of course, he would say, “You know what, you hurt me, I hurt you, but at the foot of the cross, let’s honor the Lord. Let’s pray.” Ganon siya and that’s how he gained my respect.
“If there was anything that we agree to do in our marriage, it is to have transparency. Transparency removes doubts in our relationship. Selosa kasi ako na tahimik lang. Sa office party nila Jay na hindi ako kasama, my husband would take the video when he’d get there and show it to me. “Hey honey, we’re here now. So kahit nasa bahay lang ako, it was like I was there, too. So pagdating ng time that I will be invited, either sa party or gimmick nila, then I get to meet them face to face. Example, I’d say, “Hi, Evelyn!” “Oh, you know me?” “Yeah, Jay has videos, remember?” So Jay’s friends are aware that he is transparent and open to his wife. Voluntary ni Jay ginagawa ‘yun everywhere he goes.
With me, I take pictures, post them on Facebook, tell Jay, “Honey, this is so and so.” When I have to meet a person, lalo na ‘pag opposite sex, I would drag him along but he’d just be sitting on one side.
“I believe in “what God has put together, let no man put asunder.” But sometimes our personality can cause us to fall apart. If you say, “Hindi ko maintindihan kung ba’t siya ganyan e.” To try to understand the person is a long process kasi may limitation ang pag-process ng brain eh. Accepting the person takes a little bit shorter. For example, nasanay ako na ‘pag nasa bahay organized. Si Jay pag nag-open ng cabinet, hindi na talaga niya i-close ‘yan. Tapos nauuntog ako. I’d say, “Hon, please don’t forget to close the cabinet.” “Sorry baby.” Close. Second time it happened, “Hon….” hanggang naging nagger na ‘ko. Honey! Palagi na lang ba kong….” and then I realized, wow, my husband is really like that. Hindi talaga niya nature magsara ng cabinet agad. So, would I be willing to cause a fight for just a cabinet and ruin my entire day? In marriage kasi it’s not about the feeling of entitlement. It’s serving, it’s being selfless, huwag lang if you’re physically hurt.
Sometimes, making a decision can result in conflict in relationships. How do you avoid this?
My husband realized that with all my experiences, being a manager for 24 years na, I could think of a solution in one snap. I’m paid to think and to resolve problems. I’m paid to process, to really assess situations and to do risk management. So my brain is used to calculating easily. I’m now 44, so 24 years of thinking, half of my age I’ve been processing things. Si Jay, analytical and because analytical siya, matagal siyang maka-proces ng solution, kung gagawin ko ‘to, e di ito ang result. So minsan it will result to analysis paralysis. So ang mangyayari, mabo-bored ako. So ‘nung first year ng marriage namin, we agreed to share our opinions on things. You have your suggestions, I have my suggestions, let’s talk about the solution. How do you want us to handle this? Ito ‘yung solution ko, honey. What do you think? And we agree. In terms of resources, ‘nung first year namin, I received higher salary. Challenge ‘yun kasi I was on the executive level position of an organization at that time. May trabaho siya pero hindi pa siya sa leadership.”
How did you manage that?
“This was God’s wisdom to never let your husband feel inferior. Hindi forte ni Jay ang budgeting, so he asked me to do the allocation of our resources, but he would be the one withdrawing the money. So, he has the ATMs. We both have to agree on how we should use our money. I have a notebook or budget book to view our finances. We also talked about not comparing how much each other was earning, or how much ang bigay ko at bigay niya. Sa bisaya, “Walang kuwentahan, or walang bilangan.”
What is the benefit of maintaining friendship in marriage?
First and foremost is you can be able to to express what you want, but of course, we make sure we are conscious how it would impact the recipient. We never make each other feel that we’re okay when we’re not. That’s our rule of thumb. You can be strong with your word but don’t break the spirit of the person. I learned na it’s better to express the impact ng ginawa niya sa ‘yo para maintindihan niya ang nararamdaman mo than complain. Instead of saying, “Ang tagal mo, kanina pa ko nag-aantay dito,” say, “Hon, you know I was waiting too long and I feel so tired.” Magso-sorry kaagad ‘yun. Siya ganun din.
Ang usapan namin ni Jay, pag may problema kami, we’ll talk about it. We won’t involve anyone or our parents in every issue we have. Kapag hindi ma-resolved? Tahimik muna kami, and then try again. We help each other mature. We will never learn until we really do it. Walang sumbungan kung kani-kanino, kay Lord lang. ‘Pag hindi na talaga kaya, then we agree to call for help. Ay, don’t sumbong behind my back. ‘Yun ang pinag-usapan namin. Last resort na ‘yung tatawag kami sa parents namin.
“And finally, we never let go of what we were doing when we were friends. We loved to sing, see a movie, have coffee time, so we still do those. Sometimes, we role play, mga ganong simple fun, play games. We make each other feel that we are an ally.”
How do you start and end a typical day?
We start our day with grateful heart, grateful to the Lord and grateful to each other. Then in the middle of the day, magpaparamdam talaga kami sa isa’t-isa, kahit a simple “hi” lang. May mga times na tatawag si Jay na bad mood siya. I would listen to him and then, say a quick prayer for him.
“I learned to acknowledge that every perfect gift comes from the Lord. Even if it’s bad, God has a purpose why He allowed it to happen. At work, a bad situation may make us smart. I discipline my mind to thank God, to read the Bible every day. We have a family devotion, kaming mag-asawa. If I’m sick, Jay reads the Bible to me, then, he prays. Not every day is Christmas in a Christian life. Sometimes you feel ‘yung spiritual life mo is dry. But if you have an accountability partner, your husband or a friend, it’s a big help!
