An interview with Sur del Rosario, Senior Pastor of International Christian Service in Mandaluyong City by Joshua T. Kho
Can you solve this word puzzle? As traffic lights are to motorists, and police are to the community, and guidance counsellors are to children, _________ are to peace and order. If you filled in the blank with the word, “boundaries,” you would have the right answer.
Traffic lights, police and guidance counsellors all provide boundaries which maintain peace and order. Imagine what would happen if these boundaries did not exist. There would be accidents, chaos, and rebellion everywhere. Why? Because, as humans, we have free will. We are not robots.
Pastor Sur del Rosario speaks about the issue of boundaries.
What kind of boundaries do parents need to provide for their children?
“Parents should provide the primary boundaries for their children. Curfews, being respectful, etc… Parents have the wisdom to discern the outcome. Children should be thankful when their parents set boundaries, not to restrict them, but to limit them in what they can do, because without boundaries they can go in every direction.
“Parents should use positive reinforcement. They need to help the children develop an understanding of outcomes. For instance, parents should say, ‘If you do this, what do you think will happen?’ This way, the child becomes a participant. You empower the child. The problem with parents is that they are usually NOT in communication with their children. Merong power difference agad. ‘Magulang mo ako, sundin mo ako,’pero in that way tinuturuan mo ‘yung bata na maging robot, nasu-suppressed ang kanyang emotions.”
What type of boundaries should exist between friends?
“Oftentimes, there are NO boundaries between friends. With our friends, we can come as we are, without being judged. We feel special, noticed, accepted, and loved. We would do almost everything to keep that relationship, and that is why boundaries are the last thing we think about when it comes to our friends or barkadas.
“Still there is a need to set the right boundaries among friends. The best analogy for me is the stop light. You cannot just speed off anytime and ignore others. You really have to stop on red, because if you don’t, you can hurt yourself and others.”
What boundaries should we set on alcohol?
“Once, we visited The University of the Philippines. Siyempre, matanong ang mga bata ‘dun, masama ba manigarilyo, masama ba uminom ng alak?’ Parents should first find out kung ano ba ang biblical stand sa mga vices? Ano ba ang mali sa paninigarilyo, sa pag-inom (ng alak)? Dapat ma-set natin sa mga bata na in everything they do, they can honor God. Sabi nga, ‘Whether you eat or drink, do it for the glory of God’.
“I tell them, ‘I won’t always be there. You are free to do whatever you like, but understand that you are also free to honor the Lord. Do you think you would honor Him if you destroy your body sa vices?’That sets an inner compass for them.“
What are good boundaries for boyfriends and girlfriends?
“Sa physical boundaries, nasa pananamit ‘yan. You stimulate others by what you wear. I ask, ‘Pag mag-boyfriend and girlfriend ba equals mag-asawa na?’ Eto ‘yung mga boundaries na dapat mai-establish. May difference kasi ‘yun. You cannot go all the way.’”
How do you advise people to set boundaries with regard to lending money?
“No borrowing sana, as much as possible. Kung kailangan talaga, borrow only what you can pay. Kung ikaw naman ‘yung lender, be sure the person is capable of paying, otherwise, just give it.”
Do you think the concept of boundaries fits Filipino culture?
“We are not good at setting boundaries. As Filipinos, we have ‘sardinas’ mentality, meaning sa jeep na pang walong katao lang, kaya natin gawing pang-sampuan. Kapag Pinoy, maximized ang space, ‘You can take mine.’ Kapag may bisita tayo, we can give our bed to the visitor. We can be generally selfless.
“Ang problema naman sa Filipinos when we do not set the right boundaries, kunwari ‘what is mine is yours.’ Meron dyan makikitira sa bahay ng kapatid kahit na may asawa na siya. Dun nagsisimula ang napakaraming mga problema.
“I think dun tayo pwede, as Filipinos, to develop ‘yung setting natin ng boundaries. I think boundary ‘yung pagsabi ng ‘NO.’ Filipinos don’t naturally say ‘NO.’ Mahirap tumanggi kaya sinasabi natin, “Okay lang ako, kaya ko pa,” pero kapag pumutok, nananakal ng tao, nagpe-pent-up na ‘yung emotions.
“Pwede sigurong matutunan nating sabihin in the right way na, nahihirapan na tayo, kasi kapag hindi, ang resulta nagsusuntukan na, walang boundaries, eh. ‘You can abuse me, pero kapag ako pumutok na, dedo ka! ’Makakatulong palagay ko sa atin when we learn to say ‘NO.’ When we learn to say kung hanggang saan lang ‘yung kaya natin.”
To conclude, not everything is good for us, and that is why we set appropriate boundaries. It is for the good of everyone.
