as told to Yen Sayson and Evelyn Damian
Tania Cuison is a smart, cheerful and pretty marketing professional in the Real Estate Industry. Although she never married, she has three grown up children. Looking at her now, you’d never guess she grew up being rebellious and hating God. But how has this changed? Let’s read her story.
Tania, tell us about your growing up years.
I started rebelling against my mom at the age of 12. She was a single mom. When my stepdad came into the picture, he changed a lot of things in our house. There were rules and I felt alienated from my mom. I hated him. Later, I found out through the driver that my stepdad was a drug addict.
I was molested by our trusted family driver when I was 6. At the age of 8, my mom’s ex-boyfriend sexually assaulted me. I was so shocked and felt dirty and ashamed. When I was 12 years old, my new stepdad and his younger brother made me uncomfortable with their unwelcome and unusual attention. Walang nangyari dahil alam ko na at medyo may isip na ako. But I felt so unsafe in the house.
I became curious about sex, kapag may mga shows na may kissing scene, sumisilip ako. My cousins and I would watch porn in the hotel room when we traveled abroad. So andoon na ang distorted view of sexuality.
I also became self-destructive. I used drugs, took alcohol. I had several abortions because I didn’t want to get pregnant. In my mind, I would rather they die kaysa dalhin ko sila sa mundong ito. I would hide in my room and listen to angry music, cry myself to sleep, cut myself sa part ng body na hindi nakikita tapos hinahayaan ko lang dumugo. It felt good to feel the pain. It was like my escape from reality. I was blinded by self-hate. Almost every day, I wished I would die. It is funny that I didn’t believe in God but I blamed Him all the time.
How did your childhood experiences impact your adult life?
I had kids, lahat out of wedlock. Prior to my son’s conception, I wanted to have an abortion. But God’s plan was different. Hindi natuloy. Dun ko na-feel ‘yung happiness when I gave birth to my son. I fell in love with him. It was harder with the twins. Again, I was not ready to be pregnant. I even cried in the hospital. I didn’t know na twins sila kasi hindi ako nagpapa-check-up. They came out on my 7th month. Hinang-hina ako. I was so depressed and I wanted to die. It’s not that I hated the twins, pero ano’ng ibibigay ko sa kanila? Ako nga miserable. Naaawa ako sa life nila.
My children’s dad was a physically abusive alcoholic. Walang direction ang buhay namin. It wasn’t love. He was just an escape. Still, ‘yung love na na-feel ko ay para sa mga kids ko lang. Kahit maliit pa sila, I would teach them not to allow anyone to touch them kasi ayaw ko silang ma-molest ng kahit sino. Having kids changed my life. Eventually, their dad and I separated.
What was your turning point?
Medyo napagod na ako. I had a boyfriend na prayerful and matino but still we committed fornication. Parang unti-unti, I realized na mas maganda kung maayos ang buhay, kasi I was seeing the pattern, the curse in our family. Halos lahat ng angkan ko ay sira ang marriage, anak sa labas, parang may vicious cycle. Then my neighbor taught me how to pray. That was when I started seeking. I prayed for God to spare my children.
The first person who shared the gospel with me was my friend from college. Inaway ko siya. Sabi ko “Don’t talk to me about Savior and Jesus. You and your perfect life.” I condemned her. For me, perfect yung life niya kasi loving and close sila ng mommy niya at wala siyang stepdad. I hated her and she cried.
The second was a pastor. Nag-garage sale kami ‘nun. He just approached me. Sabi niya “Do you know that Jesus loves you?” Tapos, I started crying like a baby sa harap nung pastor. Sabi niya, “You better believe it, Jesus loves you. I want you to know that.” After that ay tinaguan ko siya.
The third person was my brother who made a 180-degree turn from his old life. Before he was like me, drinking, maraming babae, premarital sex, etc. Ang daming naging changes sa life niya. Sabi niya, “Paano mo matitiyak na mase-save ka from hell?” Tapos sabi niya, “Faith + nothing = salvation. Faith in Jesus alone kasi hindi mo kaya.” Nagkaroon ng impact sa akin iyong sinabi nya. Siyempre gusto ko ‘yun for my kids. So I prayed, “Lord, kung totoo ito, show me.” Kay Jesus lang ako nagpre-pray noon.
In 2015, on my brother’s birthday, he asked us to go to church with him. Hindi kami makatanggi but since then, I never stopped going there. Lahat ng messages ng pastor spoke to me and I practiced what was preached. Kapag sinabing forgive, I forgave. Iyong kapitbahay na inaway ko, kinausap ko.
Then one day, as I was driving home, I was listening to the radio, FM 98.7, and the DJ said, “You say you love Jesus but you won’t read His love letter to you. Read His Word.” Hindi ko maintindihan pero I cried uncontrollably. Sabi ko “Lord, I will read Your Word.” And from then on, I never stopped reading the Bible. Nag-start kami ng mga anak kong mag-Bible study. We started with the book of John. That was how we grew in the Lord, paunti-unti.
How did you rebuild your family?
Through reading and meditating on His Word. This renews the mind. I seek answers from God alone. Kung dati ay godless ang decision, ngayon, I consult Him, “Lord, ito ba ang gusto Mo?” Siya na ang Father ko, my Partner with my kids, with myself. That is the biggest change. I pray before I talk to people. I ask Him to lead me because I don’t want to operate on my own mind and strength.
The year 2016 was the most challenging year for us. Nakita ko ‘yung fruits ng lahat ng rebellion ko and lahat ng maling seed na nai-plant ko sa kids ko, unforgiveness for their dad kasi tinuturuan ko sila while growing up na demonyo ang father nila. Bukang-bibig ko ‘yun. So nag-sorry ako sa tatay nila sa harap ng mga anak ko. I knew there was healing and my son forgave his dad. The twins wrote him a letter telling him how much they hated him then they said that they forgave him. They also shared the gospel with him.
What is your message to people who are also in the same situation?
First is to accept or admit your situation. Then you have to decide, if you want a better life not only for yourself, but for your loved ones. Kasi lahat naranasan ko, parang lahat na ng kadiliman ay pinasok ko. Kung hindi ako ini-spare ni Lord baka prostitute ako ngayon or patay na. I accepted what I did and confessed all my sins to the Lord and I asked for His forgiveness. Accept His cleansing as well.
Unti-unti, nawala ang desire ko sa alcohol. When I was tempted to drink, I would pray to God to help me and to take away my desire for alcohol, ang tagal din, inabot ng mga months. ‘Yung sexual images in my mind, mga lustful thoughts na ipinapaalala ng enemy, I rebuked those thoughts in the name of Jesus. It probably took a year before I could master not to think about those things, not to dwell sa ganoong thoughts. Natuto akong mag-depend kay God.
I recognized ‘yung pagkilos Niya sa buhay ko, all the more when I was going through tough times, doon ko nakita at nakilala kung sino Siya. Sometimes I blame myself when my children suffer the consequences of my wrong doings but I remember that God wants me to forgive myself because He loves me. Si Lord ang mag-aayos ng buhay namin.
Another thing that I want to tell other moms is not to look for magic or instant solution. It’s really having a relationship with Jesus, otherwise, you won’t know who He is, you won’t learn to trust Him and trust the process, even the painful ones. You won’t see the breakthrough. You won’t feel His hand in your life. You have to give Him a chance lalo na kung feeling mo ay sinira mo na ang buhay mo.
Give Jesus a chance. Just try it.
