I always resented Christmas. In my view, it was a tiring, routine occasion that you just had to get through—give gifts, spend a lot, attend parties, prepare food…It was especially stressful if you didn’t have much money. At Christmastime, I really just focused on getting my bonus and worrying about how much it amounted to.
I looked at my life in a negative way as well. Growing up with violence and family problems, I had a lot of resentment in my heart, and I often compared my family to others’. I grew up not knowing what it felt like to have independence or to be a part of a peaceful family.
I carried this burden over into my first marriage. I had gotten married because I wanted to get away from a terrible family situation, which I didn’t think I deserved. Overall, I just wanted to be successful. My uncle’s parents adored him, even though he was a womanizer, because he was the richest one in the family. I wanted to be like that. I thought that if I had money, I would be admired regardless of what I did. I would have power.
I was living a relatively normal life during my first marriage, but I wasn’t satisfied. I thought, “I don’t want to be stuck here forever, struggling to make ends meet. I need to find a way out.” Eventually, I left my husband and my twelve-year-old son. That was ten years ago. I thought they kept me from pursuing my career—they divided my attention. I lived alone and focused on studying again to get promoted. I became career-driven and successful. I had a lot of money and bought whatever I wanted. I bought my own car and my own house. I went to places I had never been. I was living a worldly life.
I thought I had every reason to be happy about Christmas then. I had everything I wanted. I had money to prepare a lot of food and to buy gifts. I thought I was happy because I had plenty. During that time, I only saw my son once a year. Sometimes I visited him at school, but not on birthdays or special occasions, not even at Christmas.
Eventually, I had a relationship with a man and we had a son. I was eager for that relationship to work out, and I tried not to make the same mistakes I had made in my marriage. But, I never anticipated what I was in for.
My live-in partner was on drugs. He abused me and I blindly submitted. I lost my career and everything I had. Still, I stayed with him because I thought, “What choice do I have? I have nothing, and it would be a shame if I failed in another relationship.” I suffered extreme physical, mental, and emotional abuse. For six months, I was not allowed to go out of the house nor have access to my mobile phone. From time to time, my live-in partner sent text messages to everyone in my phone directory, pretending to be me, just to check on me. That was how extremely jealous he was. I didn’t have access to any form of outside communication. He suspected me of cheating on him. He hit me for no reason at all. He hit me when I wouldn’t say what he wanted to hear. I was so traumatized that I feared he would hurt me every time he even raised his hand. I was black and blue full of bruises from all his beatings.
I endured everything because I thought I deserved it. I prayed, “God, if I’m going to die, please give me a chance to apologize to my ex-husband and son.”
One night, I decided I had had enough. Taking my second son with me, without any money or phone, I found the perfect time to escape. When I arrived at a fast-food restaurant, I borrowed a phone from a stranger and sent a message to my eldest son. He came right away. I was very happy to see him. His pastor came as well and he shared with me how to have a relationship with Christ. That same day I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
I did not know that my eldest son had been praying for me since he became a Christian in 2008. He told me that at first, he prayed selfishly for our family to be whole again. He questioned his dad about his choices and his new relationships. As he matured in his walk with God, he understood that God gave His children free will, and so his prayers changed. He longed for the day when his parents would come to know the Lord. He told me that having his parents included in God’s family became even more important to him than rebuilding his lost family.
My son also told me that a few months before my escape, he was deeply depressed and failing in so many areas of his life. His school and ministry life was going in a downward spiral. When he consulted a psychologist, he found out that his feelings about me were the major reason why he could not let go of the past, or rise above his disappointments. He needed to confront the issue of why I left them, and he wanted to talk to me. Finally, the day came when we talked, and he asked the questions he had been hiding for the past nine years. He let go of his bitter feelings towards me, and released forgiveness. I also opened up about my abusive relationship.
The Sunday after that, we went to church together. I cried tears of joy. I felt like God was talking directly to me through the message. The people at the church were kind enough to give me clothes to wear, food, and shelter. When I thought everything was hopeless because I was evil, I experienced God’s grace. Suddenly, I had a family again. People I didn’t even know helped me and gave me what I needed. I was overwhelmed.
My life has made a complete turnaround. I don’t get annoyed easily anymore. I have learned to appreciate the simple things in life. I am now working as a call center agent. During breaks, I read the Bible on my computer. When I’m stressed, I read the Bible. I am not ashamed to do so even if my officemates see me.
I am not earning as much now, but I have a positive outlook on life. I have inner strength that vitamins cannot provide. In my previous life, I panicked when I had only 1000 pesos in my pocket. Now, I’m not bothered even when I have only 20 pesos. I used to live in a house with everything I could ask for. Today, I don’t even have a living room set, but it doesn’t matter as long as my two sons are with me. I am much happier than I was before. God answers my prayers in His own way. We are bound to fail at times and we cannot always get what we want, but I don’t feel lonely or resentful when that happens to me. We should pray for the desires of our heart to be in line with what God wants for us. I wouldn’t trade my experience for anything, because without it, I wouldn’t know the Lord. I am a living testimony that His will is always what is best. He sustains me every day.
Last Christmas was the happiest one of my life. We didn’t have a lot of food or gifts, but I looked at my two sons and I felt very happy just being with them. I look forward to celebrating Christmas this year, because I have Christ and I have them. I am celebrating not because I am obligated to, but because God came into my life. I feel like it is Christmas every day since I met Christ!
