I have always been an avid fan of time travel stories. Generally, they are stories of people traveling back into the past to redeem or make right a time period in their life.
I wish I could go back in time to the days when I was still a young girl and somehow warn this younger, hopeful version of myself about what was to come. I would say, “Karen, brace yourself because 12 years down the road, you’re going to see your fairy tale love story crash and burn, and the marriage you thought would last “forever” will only last for two years.”
If that had been possible, I know my younger self would have laughed out loud at these thoughts. I was a pastor’s daughter. I had grown up in the church, and I genuinely loved Jesus. I had aspirations and dreams of marrying a solid Christian man with whom I could work in “full-time” ministry, and with whom I would do my part in changing the world.
Sadly, none of these dreams came true.
I believe it was fear that empowered many of the compromises that led up to my marriage and its eventual failure.
By telling my story here, I hope you will see that you’re not alone when you are disappointed or heartbroken. I hope to show you that it is possible to go back to our past and not look at it with pain or regret. Kindly allow me now, to take you on a brief journey, back through time, and I pray that through it, you’ll be able to look at your life and see that there is ONE who can redeem your own time.
I was in college when I met in church my “now” ex-husband. He was on the worship team and so was I. We started out as friends, but I couldn’t help but notice a special anointing that he seemed to have upon his life. He eventually became the Youth Pastor, and of course I was happy for him. It was at a wedding where the “sparks” between us really began to fly. Not long after that, he made his intentions known, and we officially became a couple. Everyone was happy for us. I had just ended another “relationship” that wasn’t very healthy and so I entered this one, with high hopes that it would be different.
It wasn’t long before I realized that the unhealthy compromises, I had made in my previous relationship were starting again, this time, with him. We both knew it was wrong, but it was so hard to stop.
We were living a “double-life”. In church, I was still leading worship, and he was still preaching powerful messages, but our own relationship was full of hidden secrets. I didn’t like myself very much at that point. I found myself in a cycle of guilt and condemnation, but I couldn’t seem to break out of the relationship, because I was afraid that I would miss out on my boyfriend’s love. I was also afraid of how people would react, because so many thought “we were perfect”.
So, without a solid foundation, we decided to get married. I thought that this would solve our compromising situation, but I did not know it would expose us even more. Six months into our marriage, he had his first affair. Although I was heartbroken, I knew God wanted me to forgive him and move forward with him. But after a year or so, he had another affair. This one eventually led to our separation.
Those years before and during our marriage were dark years. I was losing myself in ways I didn’t even realize. Yet out of fear, I kept turning away from the whispers of the Holy Spirit in my heart warning me.
These were humbling years. The “death” of my marriage, and my pride was necessary for God to resurrect me to life again. It has now been 8 years since our separation, and one month since our annulment has become final. Getting where I am today has been a journey full of receiving and releasing forgiveness, healing and redemption, trusting in the Lord, surrendering my heart, and discovering that God has a way of redeeming my time and dreams.
None of us can travel back in time to do things over, but I know Jesus paid the full penalty of all our sin – past, present, and future when he died on the cross 2000 years ago. After the “death” of my marriage and old life, I knew I had to rediscover Him once again so that I could learn to fully trust Him. I came before God and fully surrendered my whole heart to him; I have not been the same since.
God began showing me His true heart and nature. I realized that many times, I had looked at him through the lens of my performance and behavior. I kept trying to focus on changing my behavior, but the Holy Spirit began to show me that it was all about transforming the heart first. My behavior and the fruit of my life will show true Christlikeness when I learn to focus on Him and not my own shortcomings. When I began to fully believe just how deeply loved I really was in Him, regardless of my performance, the transformation of my heart began to take place and I started learning how to rest in Him and co-create and partner with Him for the dreams He placed in my heart.
So how did he redeem my time? Well, in the span of 5 years He has made many dreams in my heart begin to come into fruition. I got to write and publish my first inspirational novel and travel to other nations and minister as a worship leader. I started my master’s degree in Film Studies, which was the avenue for me to write a screenplay, create short films, and my first documentary.
My dream to create life empowerment courses was birthed through my Storylife modules where I host workshops that help people discover their “life message” and “creative purpose” through the treasures of their story. Last year, I relaunched Storylife into digital space by hosting online challenges and events. Today, I’m still planning and dreaming with the Holy Spirit about possible projects through Storylife. But more than anything else, God redeemed my time through the revelation of His true heart for me and for others, and by constantly filling me with the fullness of His joy and peace even in challenging times.
My heart is full of overwhelming gratitude to the Lord for His great love that never gave up on me and has always pursued me, even in my failures. May you truly be encouraged to know that you are never too out of reach that He can’t come for you. His arms are open wide, and His invitation is for you to let go and just trust Him. I pray that as you do so, you’ll also experience joy, freedom, healing, and the redemption of your past life.
