Jaime Gabrera remembers the first time he ever told someone about his condition. At a food court in a mall in Taguig City, Carla, one of his friends, asked him, “How are you?” Jaime replied, “Ate, I’m not feeling well.” Carla teased him, “Oh, lagi ka namang may sakit eh. Ano ba talaga’ng sakit mo?” She was not ready to hear Jaime’s reply, ”Ate, I’m HIV positive.” Carla’s face turned pale, all her joy and energy left her. She held his hands, and cried. That was the first time Jaime had told anyone he was ill.
Jaime’s exposure to sex started early in childhood. A close same-sex relative molested him several times and caused him to question his identity. He was too scared to tell anyone about what had happened, and he feared the strife it would bring into his family. His father was working abroad and he knew that telling his mother would result in chaos.
Eventually, Jaime put this unfortunate experience behind him. During elementary school, he remembered being attracted to the same sex but he rejected these feelings. In his first year of high school, a teacher shared the Gospel with Jaime. Jaime became active in campus ministry. He was busy with school work, and participated in Bible studies, prayer meetings, evangelism, and other Christian activities. All through high school, this worked for Jaime. He says, “I was attracted to men but I ignored it. Hindi na-process ‘yung struggles ko at the same time nahihiya na rin akong magsabi sa leader ko that I was struggling with my identity. So tuloy-tuloy lang ako sa pagse-serve kay Lord. I thought it would eventually go away, after all, I was serving God.”
Going to college was a different story. “I had new barkadas. I courted one of my classmates and she almost became my girlfriend. Then I learned that a guy had a crush on me so I stopped courting her. The guy, who was also my classmate, and I had a secret relationship. Nakita ko sa kanya ‘yung acceptance, ‘yung father-figure. When rumors about us spread in the classroom, I decided to end the relationship.”
Jaime still went to church. One time, he saw a former high school batchmate there. They became best friends. Jaime says, “Wala siyang alam sa struggle ko until one night, nag-sleep over siya sa bahay, tapos nag-fall kami sa sexual sin. Naging puzzle sa kanya ‘yun. Despite what happened, he still tried to rescue our friendship but whenever we would talk, we’d fall. Hanggang dumating ‘yung time na na-fed up na siya and he decided to end our friendship. He stopped going to church na rin since then.”
Without Jaime’s knowledge, his friend told their high school teacher about what had happened between them. The teacher, who went to the same church, told Jaime’s small group leader about this. He confronted Jaime and scolded him. Jaime didn’t expect that and he rebelled against his leader. He detached himself from the group. He continued to go to church but he was not growing spiritually. Without an accountability group, Jaime’s same sex attraction grew stronger, and he joined different bisexual social media groups where he could hook up with other bisexuals. He thought it was a way for him to find comfort and love.
Jaime says, “I had over a hundred sexual partners but I was not happy. I still felt empty inside. Malungkot ang mundong ‘yun pero dahil parang feeling ko tinalikuran ako ng simbahan sa struggle ko, parang nadidiin rin ako dun.”
In 2008, Jaime felt something was wrong physically. The bisexual media site advised readers to get tested for HIV. Jaime decided to get tested. On September 11, 2008 he found out he was HIV positive. He says, “When I got the result, naglakad lang ako, from Manila hanggang makarating ako sa Guadalupe bridge, parang wala sa sarili…I was graduating from college that time. It felt so heavy, ini-expect ng family ko na makakatulong na ako sa kanila, makakauwi na ‘yung tatay ko from abroad. Sa Guadalupe Bridge, gusto kong magpakamatay kasi feeling ko may death sentence na ako pero naisip ko pa rin ‘yung family ko. Pinunit ko ‘yung resulta ng test dun.
“Sa bahay, nagmukmok ako sa kwarto, sobrang depressed, mag-isa, walang mapagsabihan, takot. Pinilit ko pa ring ibangon ang sarili ko para magkaroon ng magandang perspective. Nagtuloy pa rin ang pag-aaral ko.”
After the initial shock over his disease subsided, Jaime went back to his lifestyle. Jaime graduated from college and took a job but his HIV manifested itself in boils, laryngites, and phariyngites, and other sickness.
Jaime explains, “Supposedly, merong medicines na ite-take. You can get them free, but because takot akong ma-disclose ‘yung aking status, hindi na ako bumalik sa testing center to get the medicines, although they followed up on me. I just accepted the fact that I would die and it was okay as long as my family wouldn’t find out about my HIV. I wanted to retain my “good boy” image, that I was a Christian. I was leading a double life. On Sundays, I went to church, but on weekdays, I would give in to sin. Talagang addictive ‘yung pattern ko and I didn’t know how I could overcome it.”
“My turning point was when a former partner died of HIV. He was from a very poor area in Mindanao. Pinag-aaral nya ‘yung mga siblings nya. It broke my heart to hear the news. I cried and prayed to God, ‘Lord, help me to overcome this sin. I don’t want to look at people with lustful eyes. Change my eyes so that I will look at people with compassion and love. I know that you called me for a reason and for a purpose, and to share the Gospel. Please change my heart.’ That was the first time in my life that I heard the audible voice of God. He said to me, ‘Jaime, you have the power to bring life or death to people.’ I said, ‘Lord, what do you mean? Sabi Niya, you can continue what you’re doing, sinning against me and it will lead eventually to the death of your spirit and death of those people, or you can choose life and lead them to Christ.’
“Iyak na ako ng iyak kay Lord nun kasi sobra ‘yung revelation nya. Dun na nag-start ‘yung change sa lifestyle ko. I don’t look at men anymore with malicious, lustful thoughts or desire. I look at them, and those with struggles like I had, as people na kailangan din ng Gospel because of their brokenness from what they experienced in the past, na hinahanapan nila ng lunas na feeling nila tama, but actually, what they need is Jesus who can fill the emptiness in their heart.”
Volunteering in church, Jaime met new friends. Jaime became close to Carla and two other women. No one suspected what he was going through. The day before his birthday in 2013, the group was going to surprise Jaime. Carla engaged him in conversation while the others prepared for the surprise. Jaime knew his condition was getting worse. He was feeling low. He didn’t see any reason to celebrate his birthday. When Carla asked him how he was, Jaime felt he should tell her. Carla cried when she learned her friend was HIV positive. She was worried, “Jaime, you need to get tested again so that you can get the medicine that you need. Get help. We will be here for you.”
Jaime felt Carla’s sincerity, “’Yung feeling of condemnation, fear, shame, napalitan lahat ‘yun ng acceptance, ng love na nakita ko sa kanya. Lahat ng judgment ko na pagsinabi ko’ng sakit ko, tingin ko mandidiri sila, me stigma, lalayuan nila ako, nagbago lahat. I felt the acceptance of a friend. She held my hand and prayed for me. She encouraged me to tell another friend the following week. Napakahirap nun, I was thinking of my position, my name, how they regarded me in church. After much prayer, I was able to tell her and another friend about my condition. After that, gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. They became my prayer warriors.”
Jaime’s plan was to just go on with life until he died, but his friends urged him to go for a test so he could get the medicines he needed. Finally, Jaime relented. In February 2013, Jaime went for the test. His two friends went with him. Jaime texted Cherry, his ushering team leader, to pray for him as well without telling her what the test was for.
Cherry called him. She was crying on the phone as she sensed what was wrong. She asked them to go over to her workplace so they could pray while they were waiting for the result. Jaime recalls, “Hawak-hawak kami ng kamay, we were kneeling and crying out to the Lord na maging favorable ‘yung resulta ng test. Tapos me na-feel kami na parang electricity flowing all over our bodies na talagang it’s something that gives you the assurance na okay lang, be calm, be confident, be assured of God’s power. After that, okay na ako. I told myself, ‘Sige Lord, whatever the result is, I will accept it, anyway, this is just a medical condition.’ Naging positive na ‘yung thoughts ko tungkol dito.
“Later in the evening, when I got the result, nakasulat non-reactive. Sabi ko ano’ng ibig sabihin ng non-reactive? Sabi ng HIV Counselor, ‘It means, Sir, you’re negative for HIV.’ Sabi ko how did that happen, I was positive for the past 5 years? Sabi nya, ‘Sir, we don’t know what happened either. Actually, kami mismo naguluhan, nagulo kami dito lahat because of the result. Positive kayo for 5 years tapos biglang nag-negative. Imposible po ‘yun, Sir.’ So they decided to run another test and it was non-reactive pa rin. Even the people there acknowledged that it was a miracle! Still, they advised me to take another test quarterly, semi-annually, then annually.
“At first, paglabas ko dun, tahimik lang muna ako. Nag-aantay si Ana sa labas, si Ate Carla nasa kotse. Pasok ako ng car, kino-comfort na nila ako. Sabi ko, “Ate, eto’ng resulta.” Pagtingin nila it’s non-reactive. Nagsigawan kami sa kotse tapos iyak na kami ng iyak. We were overjoyed sa goodness ng Panginoon. I got tested quarterly and it was non-reactive; semi-annually and it was non-reactive; annually and it was non-reactive. Finally, they told me not to get anymore tests because I was healed of HIV.”
