People form relationships in the hopes that they will be mutually beneficial to both parties, each side giving and receiving in turn. However, some friends turn out to be emotional vampires, ever receiving, but never giving. You end up feeling drained and empty. Even worse, your self-esteem can take a serious hit, making you wonder whether you deserve the same love and treatment that you give these friends or not. These are toxic friendships—relationships that are filled with negativity and stress. If science has proven that good friends extend a person’s lifespan, it has also proven the opposite: constantly dealing with toxic friends make you susceptible to a lowered immune system, higher blood pressure and blood sugar levels, irritable bowel syndrome, and even depression and anxiety.
John 15:13 says, “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (NLT) Since a friendship is a mutual relationship of giving and receiving that enriches both parties’ lives, one could argue that a toxic, one-way friendship is really no friendship at all. In that case, it might be best for your own well being to avoid remaining in the relationship.
If you find yourself in this situation and decide that ending the friendship is the best thing for you, here are a few tips to help you go through a buddy break-up:
- Assess the dynamics of your friendship. Does your friend always put you down? Do they make you feel that you two are in constant competition? Do they try to make you live up to their other friends? Do they laugh at you instead of with you? Do they criticize you with a “holier-than-thou attitude”? Is your friend always in control of your friendship? Do they constantly nag you to change even the things that you feel are good about yourself? Are you forced to be overly careful with what you say and do when with your friend in fear of making them angry?These are all signs of a toxic friendship. The thing is, your friend may be a good, sometimes even a great friend to other people. However, that does not negate the fact that the way he or she deals with YOU is toxic.
- Face reality. Saying goodbye is never easy. When you come to the decision to end a friendship, the events that follow are probably not going to be all smooth sailing. Your decision may entail confusion and hurt feelings at the start, so it is crucial to steel yourself before dealing with all of this.
- ‘Fess up or Flight? So how do you actually end the friendship? Some people choose to simply reduce or permanently end communication and contact with the other party. However, there are serious consequences to face if you choose this route. The person may be very hurt by you ‘ghosting’ them just like that. They may tell your other friends about the situation in order to find out why you did what you did. They may deal with their frustration with you by talking about it to other people. Word may spread further than you would like. It is important to consider these scenarios.I think it is always best to talk face-to-face with your friend. Prepare what to say. Both of you have probably invested significant time, effort, and emotion in the friendship, so it is essential to use clear, rational, and considerate words when explaining your decision to your friend. By communicating clearly, but considerately, you will avoid much hurt and ill will between the two of you. It is important that you part on good terms and stating your reasons will give them the chance to make amends and correct the wrong things in your relationship. A good parting of ways leaves the door open for reconciliation in the future when issues have been dealt with and corrected.
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Recoup and regroup. Give yourself time and space to grieve over the friendship. Being the one to initiate ending the friendship does not deprive you of the right to feel its loss. Documenting your journey through a personal blog or journal will be a useful way for you to avoid the same patterns of behavior in the future.
Once you feel better, put in the effort to meet new people and form new friendships. This time around, they just might be ones that will last all your life!
